So this is my first blog ever.! I cant really count the one i did on WE because those posts were so short and only focused on one topic. This will be about my whole life, every aspect, but it probably will center around my Eating Disorder. With that said bare with me, im not the great writer in the world, and i suck at spelling.
Last night i layed away in bed tossing and turning trying to get comfortable, i layed there untill 6:30 when i shot out of bed scared half to death by my alarm clock. Luckily i didnt have to go to school today because i had an appointment with the cardiologist. So i was able to back down. Untill i start getting yelled at to get up and go pee in a cup for my mom. My stupid doctor wants to do these urinalasis' on me because apparently i had a high protien count in it, or somthing. I decided i'd get up now and do my morning routine. I pee'd, stripped down naked and got on the scale. I lost .6 pounds from yesterday. I now have a 14.3 BMI. Im 4.6 pounds away from my UGW. The weight i need to be befour i allow myself to go into treatment.
Im now going to be late for my cardioloigist appointment because i took to long getting ready, but i really didnt care. After we got there and i was checked in one of the nurses took me into this little room to start tests. She took my height, BP, and and EKG. She wanted to weigh me, but i refused. Like always.
After all that fun was over i met with the actually doctor. He listened to my heart and lungs. I had this stupid gown on and i didnt want him to see my chest so, i kept pushing his hand away. Im pretty sure i pissed him off. Oh well that sucks for him. He tells me i need an echocardiogram. So i go into to ultrasound room and meet the tech, her name was Amy.! Haha. I thought it was funny. No.?
She pops in a shrek dvd for me and tells me it will take about 20 minutes. 20 minutes my ass.! I was in there for almost an hour. About 45 minutes of her probing me with a blunt slimy thing, jabbing my bones hurting me. It was torture. I was so happy when it was done. It took about ten minutes to get the results. Apparently i have a super slow heart rate/beat. Tell me somthing i dont already know.! And im borderline, im on the end of an okay heart. Great.! The walls of my heart are good, so Banks (my school soical worker) will be happy. She afraid im going to die. Shes so over the top. So when i was leaving there was this nurse at the front desk who had a spongebob top on and i freaked.! I told her i loved spongebob,then she gave me a pack of spongebob sticker. It really made my day.
About 45 minutes after we left me and my nana went to shop rite. I bought a ton of things for my mom and her birthday. And other things, like gum for me and some orange nail polish. Oh and a ton of food. WTF.! Right.? I bought two kid cuisins, a pack of irish potatoes, a pint of Ben and Jerry's Half Baked Frozen Yogurt, a nocho cheese lunchable, a pepperoni pizza luchable, a chicken dunks lunchable, a banquet select recipe- fried chicken w/corn and mashed potatoes, a cheese and broccoli quiche, and im sure a few other things im forgetting. And why you may ask.? Because im dumb. I just bought what looked good and what i truly wanted. Plus i had a ton of candy and treats in my cart, because thats all i ever buy my mom for her birthday or holidays. And a cake mix, a tub of icing, marshmello fluff and almonds for my mom Bday cake. I probably looked like a fat whale with Binge Eating Disorder.Gahh.
That was the most exhausting shopping trip ever. By the end i felt like i was going to pass out. I had a horrible back ache, and these terrifying chest pains. Thank god my nana bought some propel zero, i needed some fluids in me, befor i dropped.
After i got home i felt as if i was about to die. Litterally. It was scaring me. I could barly put away all my nasty food i got. I had to throw out a ton of things from my mini fridge, because A) I needed the room, and B) because i havent been eating, so it all went bad. Moldy carrots. Ew.
My family therapist, Jenni came about ten minutes after I got home. I was not in the mood for stupid therapy right now. So i layed down on the couch, and put the heatting pad on my back. All i really did was lay there and listen. It was dumb. She told me shes really worried about me, and crap i already know. But i told her when my nana wasn't in the room, that im not going right after my moms birthday like i said. I need to get to my UGW first.
So stupid fat fucking me.! Binged. Yup on all that food i bought. I ate so much. I felt like i was going to have a heart attack and die. I ate and ate and ate. I lost all self control. I ate and then lied to my nana saying i fed it to the dog, so i can make more food to eat. It was horrible. And what i did to get rid of it was even worse. I cant even say, just infer. I bet ill be a pound heavier tomorrow. I really wanted to take some of diet pills i have. Zantrex3, but the last time i took them i wound up in the ER becuase i was in so much pain. There ot meant to be taken on an empty stomach, and i did anyway. Bad, bad thing. So much pain. So im holding off on taking any. I plan on fasting tomorrow. I have my bf who may come over, and my brothers basetball game, so ill be occupied. It will be a peice of cake. Nu pun inteneded.
I hope i can actually sleep tonight, because i really need to go to school tomorrow.
Kelly you are so bad. You know you need to go into treatment at the weight you're at right now. Who knows what will happen by the time you lose 4.6 more pounds? You can't do this to yourself. You need to go right after your mom's birthday or something will happen, you'll end up in the ER again and you'll go anyway. I'm serious.
ReplyDeleteMy kind-of stepsister is crazy about spongebob. ^^
ReplyDeleteWhy do you NEED to lose another 4.6? That's very small. I think if someone says you need treatment, then you probably do. Don't you think? It means people think you look very sick, not thin.