So sorry i havent updated in a while, ive been a mess latly. Im in treatment and the only way your allowed on the computer is if you eat 100% of your meals. And i havent yet. But i found a loupol in there little rule, your allowed on the computer in the morning. I cant believe i went two weeks with out facebook, blogger, and WE. I wish i would have known.
So i have had alot go on with me in the last two weeks, last thursday my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. That day was horrible for me, it felt so sur real. Like this shouldnt be happening to me, too her of all people. I really hope she'll be able to beat this, i cant lose another parent. I swear if somthing traic happens, i will break, i will go insain. But i need to keep positive..
In the two weeks that ive been here, i havent completed my meals once. Ive been doing a little better these past few days though. Getting 60-75%, its really hard when you know your enitre meal plan is 3500ish calories. Those damn ensure plus's, they'll be the death of me. I have barly gained any weight since i got here, and the amount i have gain my doctor thinks is water weight. I still got a ways to go. I may be here 3-4 more weeks. I dont want to be here that long, but if i dont shape up and decided wheather or not i want recovery then im screwed. So its about to be breakfast time, ill hopfully be on tomorrow morning to update.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
Almost there.
Yeah, yeah, yeah i know i havent blogged in like four days. What ever. Not much has happened anyway.
Friday i had a half day at school, so that was pretty nice. The school day went by pretty fast, and not much happened in school. After school nana and me went to shop rite when i got home. I got some things for IP.
I dont really remember saturday, besides that i was really depressed. I lugged around all day watching tv and a movie. Lame i know. Sunday was better though. My mom and me went to the movies and saw Black Swan. It was an amazing movie.! So that made me happy, after the movie we went to Acmoore so i could get some yarn to crochet a blanket when im IP. Thats all i really remember from the past three days.
Today i woke up to a huge surprize, i sorta made my goal.! 79.6. I hope im less tomorrow, even though when ii weighed myself again i was 80.2. I can hope. I barly got any sleep last night, i kept thinking about IP tomorrow. Im so nervous and scared. I dont want to go, but i know i need to. Ms. Banks was reeally pissed odd when i walked into school today,she wanted me to go IP today. No such luck. I told her id be going tomorrow morning, and not to worry. I also told some staff that i wasnt going to be there for a while. Im sure some students overheard, oh well there figure it out sooner or later.
So after i got home i started to pack. Boy did i have alot to pack, i packed all my cloths, toiletries, and activities. Im surprized i got everything to fit in the two bags i had. I still got to shove my laptop and accessories, and ipod dock in. But those are last minute things. So after i was done packing my therapist came, and i met with her for an hour. Then i took a shower and cleaned up my room. I think im about to go finish my dream catcher im working on now untill bed. Hopfully ill still get to update while im IP, i mean ill have internet, but i dont know how eveerything is ran there. I guess we'll have to wait and see. Wish me luck.!
Friday i had a half day at school, so that was pretty nice. The school day went by pretty fast, and not much happened in school. After school nana and me went to shop rite when i got home. I got some things for IP.
I dont really remember saturday, besides that i was really depressed. I lugged around all day watching tv and a movie. Lame i know. Sunday was better though. My mom and me went to the movies and saw Black Swan. It was an amazing movie.! So that made me happy, after the movie we went to Acmoore so i could get some yarn to crochet a blanket when im IP. Thats all i really remember from the past three days.
Today i woke up to a huge surprize, i sorta made my goal.! 79.6. I hope im less tomorrow, even though when ii weighed myself again i was 80.2. I can hope. I barly got any sleep last night, i kept thinking about IP tomorrow. Im so nervous and scared. I dont want to go, but i know i need to. Ms. Banks was reeally pissed odd when i walked into school today,she wanted me to go IP today. No such luck. I told her id be going tomorrow morning, and not to worry. I also told some staff that i wasnt going to be there for a while. Im sure some students overheard, oh well there figure it out sooner or later.
So after i got home i started to pack. Boy did i have alot to pack, i packed all my cloths, toiletries, and activities. Im surprized i got everything to fit in the two bags i had. I still got to shove my laptop and accessories, and ipod dock in. But those are last minute things. So after i was done packing my therapist came, and i met with her for an hour. Then i took a shower and cleaned up my room. I think im about to go finish my dream catcher im working on now untill bed. Hopfully ill still get to update while im IP, i mean ill have internet, but i dont know how eveerything is ran there. I guess we'll have to wait and see. Wish me luck.!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Yesterday I woke up my normal time and did my routine. I gained .2 from the previous day. Wtf.! That just screwed my whole day up. I went to school on that stupid painful bus like i do everyday. I did alot of work yesterday, its weird ive been doing alot of work latly. I cant sleep anymore, becuase everytime i lean over my back hurts so bad. I have no excuse not to do any work. So i hope my grades go up because of that, i want straight A's again. Maybe when i go IP i can do some extra credit work.? Who knows.? First period Banks called me down to her office. Great, just what i need to start off my day. All we talked about was me going IP. She bitched at me, pleeded with me. And i broke and told her the reason ive been holding off, i said i have a goal and i want to get to it befor i go. She tried guessing whatmy goal was, im pretty sure she knows what it is. I mean, i suggested it enough. After an hour of back and fourth between the two of us, i told her im going to be going next week somtime, so chill. But with Banks thats still not enough. Nothing pleases her. Ever.
The day seemed to go alot slower than normal, and i couldnt wait untill art. I love art so much, but im always abset on art days. So when im actually there i look forward to it alot. Once i got to art i finished my one art project i was working on. Its this canvas with black and white checkers on it, then i covered the black squares in black glitter. It looks really cool. I still had some time left so i painted a little turtle, and in 7th period i started to make a dream catcher. I doubt ill get to finish it befor i leave. Oh well.
Billy was supose to come over after school, so i decided id lay down untill he got here. I didnt really want him to come over, but whatever. It was almost 6 oclock and i figured he wasnt coming anymore. Then randomly he knocks on the door and bam he's here. Great.! The whole time he was here we just layed on my bed watching the food network. He was so annoying, he kept wanting to play with me, and i wasnt into it. So i was relieved when it was time for him to leave. I know that makes me sound like such a bad girlfriend, but ever since ive relasped everything annoys the crap out of me. Im sure it will get better once im in a better place, or at least i hope so...
The day seemed to go alot slower than normal, and i couldnt wait untill art. I love art so much, but im always abset on art days. So when im actually there i look forward to it alot. Once i got to art i finished my one art project i was working on. Its this canvas with black and white checkers on it, then i covered the black squares in black glitter. It looks really cool. I still had some time left so i painted a little turtle, and in 7th period i started to make a dream catcher. I doubt ill get to finish it befor i leave. Oh well.
Billy was supose to come over after school, so i decided id lay down untill he got here. I didnt really want him to come over, but whatever. It was almost 6 oclock and i figured he wasnt coming anymore. Then randomly he knocks on the door and bam he's here. Great.! The whole time he was here we just layed on my bed watching the food network. He was so annoying, he kept wanting to play with me, and i wasnt into it. So i was relieved when it was time for him to leave. I know that makes me sound like such a bad girlfriend, but ever since ive relasped everything annoys the crap out of me. Im sure it will get better once im in a better place, or at least i hope so...
So i skipped two days, shoot me.
My weights fluxuated the past two days, up and down by .2 or .4 four. It sucks at this rate im never going to get to 79 by the time i go IP. Which most likly will be monday.!!! I got the guts to text my YCM worker and tell her that its time to go, and i had her call my mom and tell her. So now everythings being set up for me to go on the 14th. Its all going so fast now, its scary.
I didnt go to school on tuesday, my back was killing me again. So i spent the day bumming around doing absolutely nothing. I did start a list for IP. I have the basics on it, like undies, socks, bras, jeans, long and short sleve shirts, tank tops, pj tops and bottoms, my orange and spongebob hoodie, and my knit sweater. Plus i have a list for all my toiletries, i have tooth paste, tooth and hair brush, hair band, cold cream, deoderant, shampoo/conditioner, bodywash, nair, razor/eyebrow razor, body spray, cocoa butter, nail polish, nail file/eletric nail file, make-up. Then i have a list for extra things. Like activites to do in my free time. Like gum, my laptop, my laptop mouse, carger, and carrying case, braclet making things, crossword book, word serach book, yarn, crochet hook, spongebob uno cards, playing cards, ipod and dock, sponebob coloring book, crayons, orange marker, Life without ED book, and Goodbye ED Hello Me book. And of corse i cant forget the teddy bear billy gave me, my ducky that i put between my knees, and my snuggilie blankets. Gosh im such a little kid. Haha, oh well i cant sleep without them. I doubt anyone really wants to read about what im bringing, but it helps me remember. So deal with it.
I didnt go to school on tuesday, my back was killing me again. So i spent the day bumming around doing absolutely nothing. I did start a list for IP. I have the basics on it, like undies, socks, bras, jeans, long and short sleve shirts, tank tops, pj tops and bottoms, my orange and spongebob hoodie, and my knit sweater. Plus i have a list for all my toiletries, i have tooth paste, tooth and hair brush, hair band, cold cream, deoderant, shampoo/conditioner, bodywash, nair, razor/eyebrow razor, body spray, cocoa butter, nail polish, nail file/eletric nail file, make-up. Then i have a list for extra things. Like activites to do in my free time. Like gum, my laptop, my laptop mouse, carger, and carrying case, braclet making things, crossword book, word serach book, yarn, crochet hook, spongebob uno cards, playing cards, ipod and dock, sponebob coloring book, crayons, orange marker, Life without ED book, and Goodbye ED Hello Me book. And of corse i cant forget the teddy bear billy gave me, my ducky that i put between my knees, and my snuggilie blankets. Gosh im such a little kid. Haha, oh well i cant sleep without them. I doubt anyone really wants to read about what im bringing, but it helps me remember. So deal with it.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Frantic birthday breakfasts
I didnt fall asleep untill atleast 3 oclock in the morning last night, maybe later. My alarm was set to go off at 5:50, but it didnt. Good thing i rolled over and looked at my clock at about 6:10 or else i never would have been able to make my moms birthday breakfast. I went and woke my brother up to help me cook. We went down stairs and i got everything together. Two eggs, bacon, and two medium potatoes. I gave my brother the simple task of peeling the potatoes while i went to get dressed. I went up stairs did my morning routine, only lost .4 pounds from yesterday. Better than nothing i guess. My BMI is now 14.1, im only 3.4 pounds away from my UGW.!
After i was done getting changed i went downstairs to start my moms breakfast. My brother cant peel potatoes for his life, he only peeled half of one. Theres another thing i needed to do. So i peeled the potatoes and cut them up into cubes, and threw them i a pan. I cooked almost a whole pound of bacon, i got burned alot. I burned some of the poatoes because i wasnt paying attention, im only one person, and my brother left me. So i had to do eerything myself. I then cooked her two eggs over easy, and got my brother to put some toast in the toaster. I send him to go wake her up while i was finishing everything, and putting the food on the plates. I poured her a glass of OJ, A mug of coffe and buttered her toast. Voilà finished.!
Now its freak out time. By the time im done, it 7:15, my bus comes in a few minutes. I still have to go my make-up. So me being the crazy person i am, run and start doing it, i get done its less than 5 minutes. I know im awesome.! My bus came right after i pee'd and put my jacket on. Lucky Me.
The buss ride was painful, as always. School was boring, i did work in every class today. Which never happens, because i either dont want to or i sleep. I guess today was producdtive, even though my back was killing me, like it does practially everyday. I gave Christen the scooby doo stickers i bought her. Then at lunch i gave Ms. Datts and Mr. M the clarkbar i bought them. They were happy. The day went by pretty fast, befour i knew it they werecalling the end of seventh period.
I changed right into my pj's once i got home. I needed to relax a little. So i layed down with Abby and watch thr food channel until a little after four thirty. Then my brother came home and we were going to do my moms presents and birthday cake. She loved everything i got her, just like she loved her breakfast. So i was happy. All of us sang happy birthday to her around her awesome rocky road cake. She blew out all the candles in one puff. I hope this means her wish comes true. I also surprized her with pistachio ice cream and mint chocolate chip ice cream gum, her other two favorite ice cream types. She loved the ice cream, gum, and exspecially the rocky road cake.! Im glad her days been good.
So apparently i have alot of protien in my pee. And my doctor says it could have somthing to do with my kidneys. They could be failing.! Im starving myself and my organs to death, i cant keep this up much longer. Im not sure how long ill last. So i have to go to some specilists in some hospital in philly i think, i dont know i forgot exacly what she said about the doctor. Its just a good thing ill be going IP soon, i may tell my mom tomorrow about the date i decided on. She'll have to make a bunch of calls, i just need to get the balls to tell her. Once i tell her theres no turning back.!
After i was done getting changed i went downstairs to start my moms breakfast. My brother cant peel potatoes for his life, he only peeled half of one. Theres another thing i needed to do. So i peeled the potatoes and cut them up into cubes, and threw them i a pan. I cooked almost a whole pound of bacon, i got burned alot. I burned some of the poatoes because i wasnt paying attention, im only one person, and my brother left me. So i had to do eerything myself. I then cooked her two eggs over easy, and got my brother to put some toast in the toaster. I send him to go wake her up while i was finishing everything, and putting the food on the plates. I poured her a glass of OJ, A mug of coffe and buttered her toast. Voilà finished.!
Now its freak out time. By the time im done, it 7:15, my bus comes in a few minutes. I still have to go my make-up. So me being the crazy person i am, run and start doing it, i get done its less than 5 minutes. I know im awesome.! My bus came right after i pee'd and put my jacket on. Lucky Me.
The buss ride was painful, as always. School was boring, i did work in every class today. Which never happens, because i either dont want to or i sleep. I guess today was producdtive, even though my back was killing me, like it does practially everyday. I gave Christen the scooby doo stickers i bought her. Then at lunch i gave Ms. Datts and Mr. M the clarkbar i bought them. They were happy. The day went by pretty fast, befour i knew it they werecalling the end of seventh period.
I changed right into my pj's once i got home. I needed to relax a little. So i layed down with Abby and watch thr food channel until a little after four thirty. Then my brother came home and we were going to do my moms presents and birthday cake. She loved everything i got her, just like she loved her breakfast. So i was happy. All of us sang happy birthday to her around her awesome rocky road cake. She blew out all the candles in one puff. I hope this means her wish comes true. I also surprized her with pistachio ice cream and mint chocolate chip ice cream gum, her other two favorite ice cream types. She loved the ice cream, gum, and exspecially the rocky road cake.! Im glad her days been good.
So apparently i have alot of protien in my pee. And my doctor says it could have somthing to do with my kidneys. They could be failing.! Im starving myself and my organs to death, i cant keep this up much longer. Im not sure how long ill last. So i have to go to some specilists in some hospital in philly i think, i dont know i forgot exacly what she said about the doctor. Its just a good thing ill be going IP soon, i may tell my mom tomorrow about the date i decided on. She'll have to make a bunch of calls, i just need to get the balls to tell her. Once i tell her theres no turning back.!
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Attack of the stores.
At the end of yesterday i had gained .6 pounds, I was extramly pissed. I did however chock it up to water weight. Which i guess it was, i lost that extra .6 plus an additional .2 pounds. My BMI is still 14.2, but im only 3.8 pounds from my UGW.! Im so close i can taste it.
I woke up around 12ish i believe, i had to go out with my mentor Cindy. My mom woke me up at 12ish, and Cindy didnt even show up untill 1:30. I was pissed because it dosnt take me long to get ready on the weekends, and i could have been sleeping all that extra time. After Cindy came and i got into her car, she asked me what i wanted to do, like always. I said i needed to buy my mom chocolate covered cherries, because her birthday is tomorrow and every single store ive been to they havnt had them. So she said we could go to CVS, and if they didnt have them we could go to Rite-Aide. As we we driving to CVS Cindy turns to me and asks me blantenly, how i have been doing with me eating.? She said i look like i lost alot of weight since the last time she saw me. Its been two weeks, maybe three since we last met. Which means the last time i saw her i was around 97ish pounds, so i did lose alot. I honestly didnt think i looked like i lost that much, i thought everyone was just bs'ing me. Guess i was wrong.
So after we got to CVS i went straight to the Easter Candy isle, of corse.! I need to torture myself. I saw alot of spongebob easter candy, and i wanted it all. I eventually made my way to the chocolate covered cherries, i was so happy they had them. Cindy helped me pick out two boxes, then we both roamed around the store for a little. I made my way back to the easter candy, i found these little easter eggs that are gum, and they come in a tiny little egg carton. I use to get them when i was little, so i looked at the nutrition info, only 8 calories for two peices, or 4 for one. I got the sour ones because the regualr had 14 for two, and 8 is less. Haha, duhh. I also got two chocolate eggs, and inside are these prizes, and a chocolate egg filled with peanut butter. All together i spend almost ten bucks. It was too much for the little i got. We then went to Cindys house because she had to pee, but i think she had to do 'other' things too, if you catch my drift.? I sat there for almost ten mintues, or it felt like that. Its pouring out now, so she complaining out her hair, and how she dosnt want to get out of the car. So she decides to go Rite-Aide to get an umbrella, because she didnt think of it when we were in in CVS. I walk into Rite-Aide, and yet again go straight to the Easter Candy. The first thing i see are orange peeps. I grabbed two, because the sign said buy one get one free. I saw a spongebob easter basket, and shreaked.! But i wasnt going to be buying my own easter basket, nope, sorry mommy. I also found this blue raspberry marshmellow goo stuff, i got that. We went to the register, and i saw potato sticks, and said eh screw it, and got those too. I found clark bar, my teacher assaiant at school said she liked them and hadnt been able to find them, so i got her one. Again my order totaled almost ten bucks. This is getting ridiculous here. And they jiped me on those peeps, it wasnt but one get one free. Jerks.
So Cindy then decides, hey were going to Kmart. Yet another store. She wants to look at TV's, because there onsale. We spent 20 minutes, probably more in the electronic section looking at CD's, DVD's, and TV's. I was extreamly bored. Once we finally left the electronic section we mossied around looking at random things. I found a spongebob easter egg with a spongebob stamp inside. I also found this huge spongebob coloring book with over 100 stickers inside.! I was super happy. Clearly, its spongebob. I saw these green cups, and decided to get them for my mom, since her favorite color is green. My total this time was almost 20 dollars.! I spend almost 40 bucks today. What the hell. Now i have under 200. Oh well, good thing after we left Kmart Cindy took me home.
I had my nana bake my moms birthday cake for me, so it would be cool for when i came home. But the cake was still in the oven when i walked in the door. She never listens to me. While i was waiting for the cakes to finish then cool, i wrapped my mommys birthday presents. It took a pretty long time because i got her alot of things, and im a horrible wrapper. But i dont think she'll care about that. When i was done wrapper the cakes still we warm, so i put them in the fridge to cool faster. Then decied to finish putting sponebob stickers on my laptop, since i now have over a 100 more.! I finshed doing that pretty quick. The cakes were cool enough to ice now, so i began that. The cakes were chocolate, i put marshmellow fluff in the middle, and iced them in chococlate. Then i put a layer of almonds around the sides. Yummy rocky road cake.! It looks really cool. I hope she'll like it.
Im planning on waking up at 5:50 tomorrow with my brother, to make my mommy breakfast in bed. It will be the start to her very special day. I hope she likes everything tomorrow.
My ass still hurts. Really bad, to the point where if i sit on it i want to scream. And my arm is killing me, theres an even bigger lump, and its all black and blue. This sucks.!
I woke up around 12ish i believe, i had to go out with my mentor Cindy. My mom woke me up at 12ish, and Cindy didnt even show up untill 1:30. I was pissed because it dosnt take me long to get ready on the weekends, and i could have been sleeping all that extra time. After Cindy came and i got into her car, she asked me what i wanted to do, like always. I said i needed to buy my mom chocolate covered cherries, because her birthday is tomorrow and every single store ive been to they havnt had them. So she said we could go to CVS, and if they didnt have them we could go to Rite-Aide. As we we driving to CVS Cindy turns to me and asks me blantenly, how i have been doing with me eating.? She said i look like i lost alot of weight since the last time she saw me. Its been two weeks, maybe three since we last met. Which means the last time i saw her i was around 97ish pounds, so i did lose alot. I honestly didnt think i looked like i lost that much, i thought everyone was just bs'ing me. Guess i was wrong.
So after we got to CVS i went straight to the Easter Candy isle, of corse.! I need to torture myself. I saw alot of spongebob easter candy, and i wanted it all. I eventually made my way to the chocolate covered cherries, i was so happy they had them. Cindy helped me pick out two boxes, then we both roamed around the store for a little. I made my way back to the easter candy, i found these little easter eggs that are gum, and they come in a tiny little egg carton. I use to get them when i was little, so i looked at the nutrition info, only 8 calories for two peices, or 4 for one. I got the sour ones because the regualr had 14 for two, and 8 is less. Haha, duhh. I also got two chocolate eggs, and inside are these prizes, and a chocolate egg filled with peanut butter. All together i spend almost ten bucks. It was too much for the little i got. We then went to Cindys house because she had to pee, but i think she had to do 'other' things too, if you catch my drift.? I sat there for almost ten mintues, or it felt like that. Its pouring out now, so she complaining out her hair, and how she dosnt want to get out of the car. So she decides to go Rite-Aide to get an umbrella, because she didnt think of it when we were in in CVS. I walk into Rite-Aide, and yet again go straight to the Easter Candy. The first thing i see are orange peeps. I grabbed two, because the sign said buy one get one free. I saw a spongebob easter basket, and shreaked.! But i wasnt going to be buying my own easter basket, nope, sorry mommy. I also found this blue raspberry marshmellow goo stuff, i got that. We went to the register, and i saw potato sticks, and said eh screw it, and got those too. I found clark bar, my teacher assaiant at school said she liked them and hadnt been able to find them, so i got her one. Again my order totaled almost ten bucks. This is getting ridiculous here. And they jiped me on those peeps, it wasnt but one get one free. Jerks.
So Cindy then decides, hey were going to Kmart. Yet another store. She wants to look at TV's, because there onsale. We spent 20 minutes, probably more in the electronic section looking at CD's, DVD's, and TV's. I was extreamly bored. Once we finally left the electronic section we mossied around looking at random things. I found a spongebob easter egg with a spongebob stamp inside. I also found this huge spongebob coloring book with over 100 stickers inside.! I was super happy. Clearly, its spongebob. I saw these green cups, and decided to get them for my mom, since her favorite color is green. My total this time was almost 20 dollars.! I spend almost 40 bucks today. What the hell. Now i have under 200. Oh well, good thing after we left Kmart Cindy took me home.
I had my nana bake my moms birthday cake for me, so it would be cool for when i came home. But the cake was still in the oven when i walked in the door. She never listens to me. While i was waiting for the cakes to finish then cool, i wrapped my mommys birthday presents. It took a pretty long time because i got her alot of things, and im a horrible wrapper. But i dont think she'll care about that. When i was done wrapper the cakes still we warm, so i put them in the fridge to cool faster. Then decied to finish putting sponebob stickers on my laptop, since i now have over a 100 more.! I finshed doing that pretty quick. The cakes were cool enough to ice now, so i began that. The cakes were chocolate, i put marshmellow fluff in the middle, and iced them in chococlate. Then i put a layer of almonds around the sides. Yummy rocky road cake.! It looks really cool. I hope she'll like it.
Im planning on waking up at 5:50 tomorrow with my brother, to make my mommy breakfast in bed. It will be the start to her very special day. I hope she likes everything tomorrow.
My ass still hurts. Really bad, to the point where if i sit on it i want to scream. And my arm is killing me, theres an even bigger lump, and its all black and blue. This sucks.!
3/5/11
Got to love the weekends.! I got to sleep in today, i slept until about 1 1:30. To my amazement i woke up .8 pounds lighter today. Putting my BMI at 14.2 now, im only four pounds away from my UGW. I better not fuck things up and eat.
I talked to Amy online for a little today, she wasnt feeling good at all.! I hope she starts to feel better, good thing shes going IP soon. She'll get everything she needs checked out. Me too. Ive been having weird chest pains too. Along with horrible mussle ache's, the pain from my bones sticking out, along with everything else.
I asked my mom to paint my toe nails, ive been asking her to do paint them for a long time. She painted them neon orange. Big surprize there, right.? If only she could do a spongebob design. One can dream, A.? I decided id return the favor and paint her finger nails. I did them a dark shinny green, they were pretty.
So I seriously need to slow down.! I ran down the stairs like a mad women, and fell half way down the stairs. I freaked out because my mom asked me if i was okay, I bascially cursed her out for wanting to know if i was okay. What the fuck is wrong with me.? Alot apparently. So now i have a huge bruise on my ass, and this horrible lump/bruise on my right arm. Im surprized i didnt brake my arm.! I fell hard.
I honestly dont remember much of today, its weird the whole day almost is a blank. Oh well tomorrows another day.
I talked to Amy online for a little today, she wasnt feeling good at all.! I hope she starts to feel better, good thing shes going IP soon. She'll get everything she needs checked out. Me too. Ive been having weird chest pains too. Along with horrible mussle ache's, the pain from my bones sticking out, along with everything else.
I asked my mom to paint my toe nails, ive been asking her to do paint them for a long time. She painted them neon orange. Big surprize there, right.? If only she could do a spongebob design. One can dream, A.? I decided id return the favor and paint her finger nails. I did them a dark shinny green, they were pretty.
So I seriously need to slow down.! I ran down the stairs like a mad women, and fell half way down the stairs. I freaked out because my mom asked me if i was okay, I bascially cursed her out for wanting to know if i was okay. What the fuck is wrong with me.? Alot apparently. So now i have a huge bruise on my ass, and this horrible lump/bruise on my right arm. Im surprized i didnt brake my arm.! I fell hard.
I honestly dont remember much of today, its weird the whole day almost is a blank. Oh well tomorrows another day.
Friday, March 4, 2011
A decision, and an allergic reaction
I didnt end up falling asleep utill atleast 3 in the morning, possibly later. I was exhausted all day and had yet another horrible back ache. And it didnt help that the bus i ride hurts my back incredibly bad. So a hour plus ride a.m and p.m really sucked. Luckily it was a half day and i didnt have to do alot of work today. We watched a movie in History class, and i put my head down for a bit. That just hurt my back more.! Great.! I can never win. School did however go back really fast today, i guess it did help that there was only about 4 1/2 hour in the day. Befour i knew it, it was my favorite class, art.! I got to finish my mommys birthday card. Its huge. It says Happy Birthday Mommy in big green sparkely letters. And has has two white and red hearts in. I hope she loves it.! When i was bringing the birthday card on the bus a huge gust of wind came and blew the card into my face throwing green glitter in my eyes. It burned so bad. And i had green glitter all over my face. Just wonderful, right.?
Fast foward to when i get home. My mom has lumps in her breasts, and needs to get a whole bunch of tests. Today she was going to get an MRI. Apparently she alergic to the contrast die they injected her with. Her whole face, neck, chest, and face broke out in hives, and she was all lightheaded. Here i am on my way home from school expecting my mom to be fine, and us about to go to Wal-Mart when i get home. Instead i walk in the door to find a bright red, puffy faced mom.! I was scared somone just poisned her. She told me everything that happened and how she felt like her face was being ripped off, how the people there told her to take benadryl to help with the swelling. Im just glad shes okay and feeling better now.
We did eventually get to go to Wal-Mart, after there stupid soaps were over. I wanted to get my mom some more birthday presents. I deffently wanted to get her chocolate covered cherries, because there one of her favorites. But no Wal-Mart didnt want to have any, dumb store. I did however get her a HungryManDinner, a Beer Batter Chicken and Cheese fries. Oh i got myself one too, along with a Popcorn Chicken one, two more Kid Cuisins, A M&M Ice Cream Sandwhich, and a Snickers Ice Cream Cone. Seriously Kill me.! Why do I tourtore myself with that shit. Because im retarted.
So anway, there was this little girl in the frozen meal isle, she was so cute. She went into one of the doors, and took out like 8 frozen meals.! And yelled, "they have my lingunni.!" She threw them in her grandma/moms carts and looked at me and gave me this huge smile. I just busted out laughing so hard. It seriously made my whole day. It may be a "You had to be there" momment, but still.
After we got home from Wal-Mart I brought all of my stuff i bought up to my room and shoved it into my mini-fridge. I laughed, i know ill binge because im a fatty. So to occupy myself i took out the spongebob stickers i bought and stuck them all over my laptop cover. Now my laptop is cover in my sexi husband. And I cleaned my room up to occupy my mind from that food. I wish Billy (my boy friend) would have texted me to come over. It would have been so much easier. Or i could have gotten the guts to go to my brothers basketball game, damn social anxiety. His team did win though. By one point.! There teams currently in fourth place i think.
I finally decided on a date for treatment. I decided that no matter what weight i am, i will go into Brandywine on March 14,2011 if they have a bed. I still wanna be 79 when i go in, which is totally atainable, im 4.8 pounds away. Even though i gained .2 from yesterday, but its better than what i thought i would. Ill deffently make it, and probably then some. I told Banks about going today, but just in passing. And i told Amy. She planning on going the same day, this is not going to look good for us. Maybe one of us will go the 14th, and the other the 15th.? We deffently dont need the staff there up our asses saying shit. I need Amy there, shes going to help me so much in this process. And i know ill help her too.! Were in this togerher.! <3
Fast foward to when i get home. My mom has lumps in her breasts, and needs to get a whole bunch of tests. Today she was going to get an MRI. Apparently she alergic to the contrast die they injected her with. Her whole face, neck, chest, and face broke out in hives, and she was all lightheaded. Here i am on my way home from school expecting my mom to be fine, and us about to go to Wal-Mart when i get home. Instead i walk in the door to find a bright red, puffy faced mom.! I was scared somone just poisned her. She told me everything that happened and how she felt like her face was being ripped off, how the people there told her to take benadryl to help with the swelling. Im just glad shes okay and feeling better now.
We did eventually get to go to Wal-Mart, after there stupid soaps were over. I wanted to get my mom some more birthday presents. I deffently wanted to get her chocolate covered cherries, because there one of her favorites. But no Wal-Mart didnt want to have any, dumb store. I did however get her a HungryManDinner, a Beer Batter Chicken and Cheese fries. Oh i got myself one too, along with a Popcorn Chicken one, two more Kid Cuisins, A M&M Ice Cream Sandwhich, and a Snickers Ice Cream Cone. Seriously Kill me.! Why do I tourtore myself with that shit. Because im retarted.
So anway, there was this little girl in the frozen meal isle, she was so cute. She went into one of the doors, and took out like 8 frozen meals.! And yelled, "they have my lingunni.!" She threw them in her grandma/moms carts and looked at me and gave me this huge smile. I just busted out laughing so hard. It seriously made my whole day. It may be a "You had to be there" momment, but still.
After we got home from Wal-Mart I brought all of my stuff i bought up to my room and shoved it into my mini-fridge. I laughed, i know ill binge because im a fatty. So to occupy myself i took out the spongebob stickers i bought and stuck them all over my laptop cover. Now my laptop is cover in my sexi husband. And I cleaned my room up to occupy my mind from that food. I wish Billy (my boy friend) would have texted me to come over. It would have been so much easier. Or i could have gotten the guts to go to my brothers basketball game, damn social anxiety. His team did win though. By one point.! There teams currently in fourth place i think.
I finally decided on a date for treatment. I decided that no matter what weight i am, i will go into Brandywine on March 14,2011 if they have a bed. I still wanna be 79 when i go in, which is totally atainable, im 4.8 pounds away. Even though i gained .2 from yesterday, but its better than what i thought i would. Ill deffently make it, and probably then some. I told Banks about going today, but just in passing. And i told Amy. She planning on going the same day, this is not going to look good for us. Maybe one of us will go the 14th, and the other the 15th.? We deffently dont need the staff there up our asses saying shit. I need Amy there, shes going to help me so much in this process. And i know ill help her too.! Were in this togerher.! <3
Thursday, March 3, 2011
First Time Blogger.
So this is my first blog ever.! I cant really count the one i did on WE because those posts were so short and only focused on one topic. This will be about my whole life, every aspect, but it probably will center around my Eating Disorder. With that said bare with me, im not the great writer in the world, and i suck at spelling.
Last night i layed away in bed tossing and turning trying to get comfortable, i layed there untill 6:30 when i shot out of bed scared half to death by my alarm clock. Luckily i didnt have to go to school today because i had an appointment with the cardiologist. So i was able to back down. Untill i start getting yelled at to get up and go pee in a cup for my mom. My stupid doctor wants to do these urinalasis' on me because apparently i had a high protien count in it, or somthing. I decided i'd get up now and do my morning routine. I pee'd, stripped down naked and got on the scale. I lost .6 pounds from yesterday. I now have a 14.3 BMI. Im 4.6 pounds away from my UGW. The weight i need to be befour i allow myself to go into treatment.
Im now going to be late for my cardioloigist appointment because i took to long getting ready, but i really didnt care. After we got there and i was checked in one of the nurses took me into this little room to start tests. She took my height, BP, and and EKG. She wanted to weigh me, but i refused. Like always.
After all that fun was over i met with the actually doctor. He listened to my heart and lungs. I had this stupid gown on and i didnt want him to see my chest so, i kept pushing his hand away. Im pretty sure i pissed him off. Oh well that sucks for him. He tells me i need an echocardiogram. So i go into to ultrasound room and meet the tech, her name was Amy.! Haha. I thought it was funny. No.?
She pops in a shrek dvd for me and tells me it will take about 20 minutes. 20 minutes my ass.! I was in there for almost an hour. About 45 minutes of her probing me with a blunt slimy thing, jabbing my bones hurting me. It was torture. I was so happy when it was done. It took about ten minutes to get the results. Apparently i have a super slow heart rate/beat. Tell me somthing i dont already know.! And im borderline, im on the end of an okay heart. Great.! The walls of my heart are good, so Banks (my school soical worker) will be happy. She afraid im going to die. Shes so over the top. So when i was leaving there was this nurse at the front desk who had a spongebob top on and i freaked.! I told her i loved spongebob,then she gave me a pack of spongebob sticker. It really made my day.
About 45 minutes after we left me and my nana went to shop rite. I bought a ton of things for my mom and her birthday. And other things, like gum for me and some orange nail polish. Oh and a ton of food. WTF.! Right.? I bought two kid cuisins, a pack of irish potatoes, a pint of Ben and Jerry's Half Baked Frozen Yogurt, a nocho cheese lunchable, a pepperoni pizza luchable, a chicken dunks lunchable, a banquet select recipe- fried chicken w/corn and mashed potatoes, a cheese and broccoli quiche, and im sure a few other things im forgetting. And why you may ask.? Because im dumb. I just bought what looked good and what i truly wanted. Plus i had a ton of candy and treats in my cart, because thats all i ever buy my mom for her birthday or holidays. And a cake mix, a tub of icing, marshmello fluff and almonds for my mom Bday cake. I probably looked like a fat whale with Binge Eating Disorder.Gahh.
That was the most exhausting shopping trip ever. By the end i felt like i was going to pass out. I had a horrible back ache, and these terrifying chest pains. Thank god my nana bought some propel zero, i needed some fluids in me, befor i dropped.
After i got home i felt as if i was about to die. Litterally. It was scaring me. I could barly put away all my nasty food i got. I had to throw out a ton of things from my mini fridge, because A) I needed the room, and B) because i havent been eating, so it all went bad. Moldy carrots. Ew.
My family therapist, Jenni came about ten minutes after I got home. I was not in the mood for stupid therapy right now. So i layed down on the couch, and put the heatting pad on my back. All i really did was lay there and listen. It was dumb. She told me shes really worried about me, and crap i already know. But i told her when my nana wasn't in the room, that im not going right after my moms birthday like i said. I need to get to my UGW first.
So stupid fat fucking me.! Binged. Yup on all that food i bought. I ate so much. I felt like i was going to have a heart attack and die. I ate and ate and ate. I lost all self control. I ate and then lied to my nana saying i fed it to the dog, so i can make more food to eat. It was horrible. And what i did to get rid of it was even worse. I cant even say, just infer. I bet ill be a pound heavier tomorrow. I really wanted to take some of diet pills i have. Zantrex3, but the last time i took them i wound up in the ER becuase i was in so much pain. There ot meant to be taken on an empty stomach, and i did anyway. Bad, bad thing. So much pain. So im holding off on taking any. I plan on fasting tomorrow. I have my bf who may come over, and my brothers basetball game, so ill be occupied. It will be a peice of cake. Nu pun inteneded.
I hope i can actually sleep tonight, because i really need to go to school tomorrow.
Last night i layed away in bed tossing and turning trying to get comfortable, i layed there untill 6:30 when i shot out of bed scared half to death by my alarm clock. Luckily i didnt have to go to school today because i had an appointment with the cardiologist. So i was able to back down. Untill i start getting yelled at to get up and go pee in a cup for my mom. My stupid doctor wants to do these urinalasis' on me because apparently i had a high protien count in it, or somthing. I decided i'd get up now and do my morning routine. I pee'd, stripped down naked and got on the scale. I lost .6 pounds from yesterday. I now have a 14.3 BMI. Im 4.6 pounds away from my UGW. The weight i need to be befour i allow myself to go into treatment.
Im now going to be late for my cardioloigist appointment because i took to long getting ready, but i really didnt care. After we got there and i was checked in one of the nurses took me into this little room to start tests. She took my height, BP, and and EKG. She wanted to weigh me, but i refused. Like always.
After all that fun was over i met with the actually doctor. He listened to my heart and lungs. I had this stupid gown on and i didnt want him to see my chest so, i kept pushing his hand away. Im pretty sure i pissed him off. Oh well that sucks for him. He tells me i need an echocardiogram. So i go into to ultrasound room and meet the tech, her name was Amy.! Haha. I thought it was funny. No.?
She pops in a shrek dvd for me and tells me it will take about 20 minutes. 20 minutes my ass.! I was in there for almost an hour. About 45 minutes of her probing me with a blunt slimy thing, jabbing my bones hurting me. It was torture. I was so happy when it was done. It took about ten minutes to get the results. Apparently i have a super slow heart rate/beat. Tell me somthing i dont already know.! And im borderline, im on the end of an okay heart. Great.! The walls of my heart are good, so Banks (my school soical worker) will be happy. She afraid im going to die. Shes so over the top. So when i was leaving there was this nurse at the front desk who had a spongebob top on and i freaked.! I told her i loved spongebob,then she gave me a pack of spongebob sticker. It really made my day.
About 45 minutes after we left me and my nana went to shop rite. I bought a ton of things for my mom and her birthday. And other things, like gum for me and some orange nail polish. Oh and a ton of food. WTF.! Right.? I bought two kid cuisins, a pack of irish potatoes, a pint of Ben and Jerry's Half Baked Frozen Yogurt, a nocho cheese lunchable, a pepperoni pizza luchable, a chicken dunks lunchable, a banquet select recipe- fried chicken w/corn and mashed potatoes, a cheese and broccoli quiche, and im sure a few other things im forgetting. And why you may ask.? Because im dumb. I just bought what looked good and what i truly wanted. Plus i had a ton of candy and treats in my cart, because thats all i ever buy my mom for her birthday or holidays. And a cake mix, a tub of icing, marshmello fluff and almonds for my mom Bday cake. I probably looked like a fat whale with Binge Eating Disorder.Gahh.
That was the most exhausting shopping trip ever. By the end i felt like i was going to pass out. I had a horrible back ache, and these terrifying chest pains. Thank god my nana bought some propel zero, i needed some fluids in me, befor i dropped.
After i got home i felt as if i was about to die. Litterally. It was scaring me. I could barly put away all my nasty food i got. I had to throw out a ton of things from my mini fridge, because A) I needed the room, and B) because i havent been eating, so it all went bad. Moldy carrots. Ew.
My family therapist, Jenni came about ten minutes after I got home. I was not in the mood for stupid therapy right now. So i layed down on the couch, and put the heatting pad on my back. All i really did was lay there and listen. It was dumb. She told me shes really worried about me, and crap i already know. But i told her when my nana wasn't in the room, that im not going right after my moms birthday like i said. I need to get to my UGW first.
So stupid fat fucking me.! Binged. Yup on all that food i bought. I ate so much. I felt like i was going to have a heart attack and die. I ate and ate and ate. I lost all self control. I ate and then lied to my nana saying i fed it to the dog, so i can make more food to eat. It was horrible. And what i did to get rid of it was even worse. I cant even say, just infer. I bet ill be a pound heavier tomorrow. I really wanted to take some of diet pills i have. Zantrex3, but the last time i took them i wound up in the ER becuase i was in so much pain. There ot meant to be taken on an empty stomach, and i did anyway. Bad, bad thing. So much pain. So im holding off on taking any. I plan on fasting tomorrow. I have my bf who may come over, and my brothers basetball game, so ill be occupied. It will be a peice of cake. Nu pun inteneded.
I hope i can actually sleep tonight, because i really need to go to school tomorrow.
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