I didnt end up falling asleep utill atleast 3 in the morning, possibly later. I was exhausted all day and had yet another horrible back ache. And it didnt help that the bus i ride hurts my back incredibly bad. So a hour plus ride a.m and p.m really sucked. Luckily it was a half day and i didnt have to do alot of work today. We watched a movie in History class, and i put my head down for a bit. That just hurt my back more.! Great.! I can never win. School did however go back really fast today, i guess it did help that there was only about 4 1/2 hour in the day. Befour i knew it, it was my favorite class, art.! I got to finish my mommys birthday card. Its huge. It says Happy Birthday Mommy in big green sparkely letters. And has has two white and red hearts in. I hope she loves it.! When i was bringing the birthday card on the bus a huge gust of wind came and blew the card into my face throwing green glitter in my eyes. It burned so bad. And i had green glitter all over my face. Just wonderful, right.?
Fast foward to when i get home. My mom has lumps in her breasts, and needs to get a whole bunch of tests. Today she was going to get an MRI. Apparently she alergic to the contrast die they injected her with. Her whole face, neck, chest, and face broke out in hives, and she was all lightheaded. Here i am on my way home from school expecting my mom to be fine, and us about to go to Wal-Mart when i get home. Instead i walk in the door to find a bright red, puffy faced mom.! I was scared somone just poisned her. She told me everything that happened and how she felt like her face was being ripped off, how the people there told her to take benadryl to help with the swelling. Im just glad shes okay and feeling better now.
We did eventually get to go to Wal-Mart, after there stupid soaps were over. I wanted to get my mom some more birthday presents. I deffently wanted to get her chocolate covered cherries, because there one of her favorites. But no Wal-Mart didnt want to have any, dumb store. I did however get her a HungryManDinner, a Beer Batter Chicken and Cheese fries. Oh i got myself one too, along with a Popcorn Chicken one, two more Kid Cuisins, A M&M Ice Cream Sandwhich, and a Snickers Ice Cream Cone. Seriously Kill me.! Why do I tourtore myself with that shit. Because im retarted.
So anway, there was this little girl in the frozen meal isle, she was so cute. She went into one of the doors, and took out like 8 frozen meals.! And yelled, "they have my lingunni.!" She threw them in her grandma/moms carts and looked at me and gave me this huge smile. I just busted out laughing so hard. It seriously made my whole day. It may be a "You had to be there" momment, but still.
After we got home from Wal-Mart I brought all of my stuff i bought up to my room and shoved it into my mini-fridge. I laughed, i know ill binge because im a fatty. So to occupy myself i took out the spongebob stickers i bought and stuck them all over my laptop cover. Now my laptop is cover in my sexi husband. And I cleaned my room up to occupy my mind from that food. I wish Billy (my boy friend) would have texted me to come over. It would have been so much easier. Or i could have gotten the guts to go to my brothers basketball game, damn social anxiety. His team did win though. By one point.! There teams currently in fourth place i think.
I finally decided on a date for treatment. I decided that no matter what weight i am, i will go into Brandywine on March 14,2011 if they have a bed. I still wanna be 79 when i go in, which is totally atainable, im 4.8 pounds away. Even though i gained .2 from yesterday, but its better than what i thought i would. Ill deffently make it, and probably then some. I told Banks about going today, but just in passing. And i told Amy. She planning on going the same day, this is not going to look good for us. Maybe one of us will go the 14th, and the other the 15th.? We deffently dont need the staff there up our asses saying shit. I need Amy there, shes going to help me so much in this process. And i know ill help her too.! Were in this togerher.! <3
Friday, March 4, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
First Time Blogger.
So this is my first blog ever.! I cant really count the one i did on WE because those posts were so short and only focused on one topic. This will be about my whole life, every aspect, but it probably will center around my Eating Disorder. With that said bare with me, im not the great writer in the world, and i suck at spelling.
Last night i layed away in bed tossing and turning trying to get comfortable, i layed there untill 6:30 when i shot out of bed scared half to death by my alarm clock. Luckily i didnt have to go to school today because i had an appointment with the cardiologist. So i was able to back down. Untill i start getting yelled at to get up and go pee in a cup for my mom. My stupid doctor wants to do these urinalasis' on me because apparently i had a high protien count in it, or somthing. I decided i'd get up now and do my morning routine. I pee'd, stripped down naked and got on the scale. I lost .6 pounds from yesterday. I now have a 14.3 BMI. Im 4.6 pounds away from my UGW. The weight i need to be befour i allow myself to go into treatment.
Im now going to be late for my cardioloigist appointment because i took to long getting ready, but i really didnt care. After we got there and i was checked in one of the nurses took me into this little room to start tests. She took my height, BP, and and EKG. She wanted to weigh me, but i refused. Like always.
After all that fun was over i met with the actually doctor. He listened to my heart and lungs. I had this stupid gown on and i didnt want him to see my chest so, i kept pushing his hand away. Im pretty sure i pissed him off. Oh well that sucks for him. He tells me i need an echocardiogram. So i go into to ultrasound room and meet the tech, her name was Amy.! Haha. I thought it was funny. No.?
She pops in a shrek dvd for me and tells me it will take about 20 minutes. 20 minutes my ass.! I was in there for almost an hour. About 45 minutes of her probing me with a blunt slimy thing, jabbing my bones hurting me. It was torture. I was so happy when it was done. It took about ten minutes to get the results. Apparently i have a super slow heart rate/beat. Tell me somthing i dont already know.! And im borderline, im on the end of an okay heart. Great.! The walls of my heart are good, so Banks (my school soical worker) will be happy. She afraid im going to die. Shes so over the top. So when i was leaving there was this nurse at the front desk who had a spongebob top on and i freaked.! I told her i loved spongebob,then she gave me a pack of spongebob sticker. It really made my day.
About 45 minutes after we left me and my nana went to shop rite. I bought a ton of things for my mom and her birthday. And other things, like gum for me and some orange nail polish. Oh and a ton of food. WTF.! Right.? I bought two kid cuisins, a pack of irish potatoes, a pint of Ben and Jerry's Half Baked Frozen Yogurt, a nocho cheese lunchable, a pepperoni pizza luchable, a chicken dunks lunchable, a banquet select recipe- fried chicken w/corn and mashed potatoes, a cheese and broccoli quiche, and im sure a few other things im forgetting. And why you may ask.? Because im dumb. I just bought what looked good and what i truly wanted. Plus i had a ton of candy and treats in my cart, because thats all i ever buy my mom for her birthday or holidays. And a cake mix, a tub of icing, marshmello fluff and almonds for my mom Bday cake. I probably looked like a fat whale with Binge Eating Disorder.Gahh.
That was the most exhausting shopping trip ever. By the end i felt like i was going to pass out. I had a horrible back ache, and these terrifying chest pains. Thank god my nana bought some propel zero, i needed some fluids in me, befor i dropped.
After i got home i felt as if i was about to die. Litterally. It was scaring me. I could barly put away all my nasty food i got. I had to throw out a ton of things from my mini fridge, because A) I needed the room, and B) because i havent been eating, so it all went bad. Moldy carrots. Ew.
My family therapist, Jenni came about ten minutes after I got home. I was not in the mood for stupid therapy right now. So i layed down on the couch, and put the heatting pad on my back. All i really did was lay there and listen. It was dumb. She told me shes really worried about me, and crap i already know. But i told her when my nana wasn't in the room, that im not going right after my moms birthday like i said. I need to get to my UGW first.
So stupid fat fucking me.! Binged. Yup on all that food i bought. I ate so much. I felt like i was going to have a heart attack and die. I ate and ate and ate. I lost all self control. I ate and then lied to my nana saying i fed it to the dog, so i can make more food to eat. It was horrible. And what i did to get rid of it was even worse. I cant even say, just infer. I bet ill be a pound heavier tomorrow. I really wanted to take some of diet pills i have. Zantrex3, but the last time i took them i wound up in the ER becuase i was in so much pain. There ot meant to be taken on an empty stomach, and i did anyway. Bad, bad thing. So much pain. So im holding off on taking any. I plan on fasting tomorrow. I have my bf who may come over, and my brothers basetball game, so ill be occupied. It will be a peice of cake. Nu pun inteneded.
I hope i can actually sleep tonight, because i really need to go to school tomorrow.
Last night i layed away in bed tossing and turning trying to get comfortable, i layed there untill 6:30 when i shot out of bed scared half to death by my alarm clock. Luckily i didnt have to go to school today because i had an appointment with the cardiologist. So i was able to back down. Untill i start getting yelled at to get up and go pee in a cup for my mom. My stupid doctor wants to do these urinalasis' on me because apparently i had a high protien count in it, or somthing. I decided i'd get up now and do my morning routine. I pee'd, stripped down naked and got on the scale. I lost .6 pounds from yesterday. I now have a 14.3 BMI. Im 4.6 pounds away from my UGW. The weight i need to be befour i allow myself to go into treatment.
Im now going to be late for my cardioloigist appointment because i took to long getting ready, but i really didnt care. After we got there and i was checked in one of the nurses took me into this little room to start tests. She took my height, BP, and and EKG. She wanted to weigh me, but i refused. Like always.
After all that fun was over i met with the actually doctor. He listened to my heart and lungs. I had this stupid gown on and i didnt want him to see my chest so, i kept pushing his hand away. Im pretty sure i pissed him off. Oh well that sucks for him. He tells me i need an echocardiogram. So i go into to ultrasound room and meet the tech, her name was Amy.! Haha. I thought it was funny. No.?
She pops in a shrek dvd for me and tells me it will take about 20 minutes. 20 minutes my ass.! I was in there for almost an hour. About 45 minutes of her probing me with a blunt slimy thing, jabbing my bones hurting me. It was torture. I was so happy when it was done. It took about ten minutes to get the results. Apparently i have a super slow heart rate/beat. Tell me somthing i dont already know.! And im borderline, im on the end of an okay heart. Great.! The walls of my heart are good, so Banks (my school soical worker) will be happy. She afraid im going to die. Shes so over the top. So when i was leaving there was this nurse at the front desk who had a spongebob top on and i freaked.! I told her i loved spongebob,then she gave me a pack of spongebob sticker. It really made my day.
About 45 minutes after we left me and my nana went to shop rite. I bought a ton of things for my mom and her birthday. And other things, like gum for me and some orange nail polish. Oh and a ton of food. WTF.! Right.? I bought two kid cuisins, a pack of irish potatoes, a pint of Ben and Jerry's Half Baked Frozen Yogurt, a nocho cheese lunchable, a pepperoni pizza luchable, a chicken dunks lunchable, a banquet select recipe- fried chicken w/corn and mashed potatoes, a cheese and broccoli quiche, and im sure a few other things im forgetting. And why you may ask.? Because im dumb. I just bought what looked good and what i truly wanted. Plus i had a ton of candy and treats in my cart, because thats all i ever buy my mom for her birthday or holidays. And a cake mix, a tub of icing, marshmello fluff and almonds for my mom Bday cake. I probably looked like a fat whale with Binge Eating Disorder.Gahh.
That was the most exhausting shopping trip ever. By the end i felt like i was going to pass out. I had a horrible back ache, and these terrifying chest pains. Thank god my nana bought some propel zero, i needed some fluids in me, befor i dropped.
After i got home i felt as if i was about to die. Litterally. It was scaring me. I could barly put away all my nasty food i got. I had to throw out a ton of things from my mini fridge, because A) I needed the room, and B) because i havent been eating, so it all went bad. Moldy carrots. Ew.
My family therapist, Jenni came about ten minutes after I got home. I was not in the mood for stupid therapy right now. So i layed down on the couch, and put the heatting pad on my back. All i really did was lay there and listen. It was dumb. She told me shes really worried about me, and crap i already know. But i told her when my nana wasn't in the room, that im not going right after my moms birthday like i said. I need to get to my UGW first.
So stupid fat fucking me.! Binged. Yup on all that food i bought. I ate so much. I felt like i was going to have a heart attack and die. I ate and ate and ate. I lost all self control. I ate and then lied to my nana saying i fed it to the dog, so i can make more food to eat. It was horrible. And what i did to get rid of it was even worse. I cant even say, just infer. I bet ill be a pound heavier tomorrow. I really wanted to take some of diet pills i have. Zantrex3, but the last time i took them i wound up in the ER becuase i was in so much pain. There ot meant to be taken on an empty stomach, and i did anyway. Bad, bad thing. So much pain. So im holding off on taking any. I plan on fasting tomorrow. I have my bf who may come over, and my brothers basetball game, so ill be occupied. It will be a peice of cake. Nu pun inteneded.
I hope i can actually sleep tonight, because i really need to go to school tomorrow.
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